***Base on sub of NewMov Team's product*** Sync ��Jzz
[Dogs Barking]
[ Toys Squeaking ]
[ Dogs Whimpering ]
[ Guns Cocking ]
Ah, the Heckler & Koch G-36.
Quite deadly in the right hands.
Ah, Agent One.
I have been so looking forward to this moment.
Well, in that case, I'll try not to disappoint.
You overestimate your power over women, Mr English.
I'd say that would be virtually impossible.
Sir?Sir?
- Sir! Have you got them? - [ Gasps ]
- Hmm? - The mission documents. Agent One's flying tonight.
Yes, the mission documents. They're here somewhere. Ah, here we are.
Agent One.
Gentlemen.
I'm here for my documents.
Bough, Agent One's documents, please.
- [ Clears Throat ] - Thankyou.
Your mission documents, Agent One.
Including the codes for the submarine hatch, which I've checked myself.
Thankyou.
So, is it just France tonight, or will you be slipping over the Pyrenees as well?
If I told you that, I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.
Oh. [ Nervous Chuckle ]
[Muttering] Oh,yes,yes. Well, I expectyou would.
Cheerio, Agent One.
Bonne chance. Arrivederci.
Such class. Such distinction.
[ Bell Tolling ] T o.. M I7 All Depts. Urgent Agent One killed in action in BiarritZ.
Submarine hatch failed to open.
The greatest secret agent England's ever had snuffed out in an instant.
Terrible.
Do you know what makes us envied the world over, Bough?
- That there's always another agent waiting to step in. - Absolutely, sir.
And every last one of them is gathered around that grave.
It is our honour andprivilege to guard them while they grieve.
Their lives are in our hands, Bough.
[ Tyres Screeching ]
Everything in order, English?
I think you'll find it's rather more than just in order, sir.
You're now entering the most secure location in the whole of England.
[ Cow Mooing]
[Man ] Pegasus, we face a national crisis.
Agent One was clearly onto something, and we have to find out what.
I need another agent on this. Who else is there?
No one, Prime Minister. They all died in the explosion.
All of them?
Well, luckily there is one who survived.
Who?
�� One eye on the shadows ��
�� Protecting his fellows ��
- �� From sunup till the moon on his back�� - [ Grunting ]
- �� Sendin' villains to Hades A hit with the ladies �� - Johnny English.
�� A stallion in the sack��
- �� You can't get your life back when right follows left,Jack�� - [ Groaning ]
�� The more you see the lessyou know ��
�� When others would leak it His service is secret ��
�� Plays God when it'syour time to go ��
�� Hey, fellas Don 't bejealous ��
�� When they made him they broke the mould ��
�� So charismatic with an automatic ��
�� Neverprematurely shooting his load ��
Hah!
�� Queen and country safe and sound ��
�� With villains six feet underground ��
�� And no one knows 'cause no one's found any trace ��
�� Of a man for all seasons ��
�� L oves 'em and leaves 'em alone ��
�� So alone ��
�� Andyou and I wouldn 't have a clue who 's doin ' what, why, when and who ��
�� Up a creek with no canoe Watch out ��
�� For the man for all seasons ��
�� L oves 'em and leaves 'em alone ��
�� So alone ��
- �� But safe at home �� - �� But safe at home ��
- �� Oh, yeah, yeah �� - �� But safe at home ��
�� But safe at home But safe at home ��
�� Then you and I wouldn 't have a clue who 's doin ' what, why, when and who ��
�� Up a creek with no canoe Watch out ��
�� For the man for all seasons ��
�� L oves 'em and leaves 'em alone, so alone ��
�� But safe at home �ӡ�
Ri ght.
Johnny English. I'm here to see Pegasus.
Still, no sense rushing things.
There are some itemsyou need to sign beforeyour briefing.
This is your new retinal I.D. card,
and this isyour level nine security clearance.
Si gn and date, please.
Ah.
Oh, reminds me of the old service issue ballpoint.
I remember every agent would carry a pen that looked just like this.
Completely innocent to the untrained eye, but click it twice--
[ Gasps ]
Ah, English, thereyou are.
Have you seen my secretary?
Um... she went out.
Um... shall we?
Now, Agent One believed that there was a plot to steal the Crown Jewels.
They've recently been through a multimillion-pound restoration,
Iargely paid for by a corporate sponsor.
They're d ue to be unveiled toni ght at the T ower of London.
The queen is insisting that the ceremony goes ahead, so what we want you to--
Hah! Who-- Who--
Who is the sponsor, sir?
Pascal Sauvage.
What, that flouncy Frenchman who owns a couple of prisons?
Sauvage's ��7 billion empire, English,
operates over 400 prisons in 60 countries.
- He's built 25 of them here. - Right, sir.
The man's related to the royal family, for goodness'sake.
As far as the prime minister's concerned, he's one ofthe greatest friends England's got.
Now, English, I want you at the T ower toni ght, monitoring this unveiling.
Any chink in security, any weakness,
however slight, must be plugged immediately.
Do we understand each other?
- Perfectly, sir. - Good.
- Oh, yes. - And, uh, English...
we can't afford any mistakes-- not toni ght.
The word "mistake," sir, is not one that appears in my dictionary.
THE TOWER OF LONDON
[ Engine Revs ]
Fantastic car, sir!
Mr English, Colonel Sir Anthony Chevenix, head of Royal Security.
Ah, Colonel, good evening.
- Snipers posted on the roof as per my request? - Thirteen of them.
- Windows? - Refitted with bullet- and shatter-proof glass.
I shall now mingle inconspicuously with the guests.
- Let me know when Her Majesty arrives. - Very good.
Shall I mingle with you, sir?
Oh, yes, Bough. Once you've checked the roof.
[ Screaming ]
Help! Help!
Well, hello.
Hello yourself.
Johnny English.
Lorna Campbell.
A Bloody Mary, please, not too spicy.
So, are you here in some professional capacity?
I worked on the restoration of the jewels.
- Intriguing. - And yourself?
If I told you that, I'm afraid I'd have to kill you.
I'd like to see you try.
Monsieur Sauvage, on behalf of Her Majesty,
may I welcome you to the Tower.
Merci, monsieur.
So, are you here alone, Mr English?
That's how I choose to live my life, Miss Campbell.
Women want safety, security. I can offer them nothing but danger.
Some women find danger very attractive.
Women like you, Miss Campbell?
Women like me expect men like you...
to find that out foryourself.
Hmm.
Madame.
Oh, it's for me, actually. Could your rustle up some of those cheesy niblets?
Now, where were we?
You obviously haven't met our host, Monsieur Sauvage.
No, thank God.
You know, I think I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus...
than exchange pleasantries with that jumped-up Frenchman.
As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should host is an invasion.
[ Snickers ] Sorry, can I help?
Pascal Sauvage, jumped-up Frenchman.
Lorna Campbell. I've been so looking forward to meeting you.
- Enchante. - [ Muttering ]
But of course! You're Johnny English. I've heard all about you.
And between you and me, I'm not so keen on the French myself.
But please don't tell them that.
Let me go and search foryour nibbly cheese bits.
- No, no, no. I-- - I insist. The French are, after all, fantastic waiters.
- The best in the world. - Well-- But-But--
- Wait here, and I will wait on you. - No, really. There's no--
No. Please, please, please!
Hmm. Les Francais.
Ils sont very... n'est-ce pas?
Ladies and gentlemen, mesdames est messieurs,
bienvenus, welcome tonight to this wonderful occasion.
As we stand here in the Tower ofLondon,
the most famous prison in the world,
where these wonderful jewels will rest safely...
under lock and key,
I want to thankyou...
for giving me this wonderful experience...
to contribute to the restoration of these jewels.
It was, as we say in France, le top, le best of.
- [ Feigned Chuckle ] - And what a beautiful--
[ Screaming ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Woman Screams ]
It's Colonel Chevenix! He's got a nasty wound, sir. Who hit him?
The assailant. He ran in here.
Bough, you guard the door.
Aha! [ Grunting ]
[Pounding, Grunting]
For God's sake, Bough, don't come in. The man's a maniac!
- [ Guests Gasp ] - You don't frighten me!
- [ Glass Shatters ] - Missed!
[ Guests Gasping]
[ Grunting Continues ]
[ Karate Yells ]
[ Body Falls ]
- [ Guests Gasping ] - I've managed to subdue the assailant.
The panic's over. Everything's under control.
- [Applause ] - [ Chevenix Groans ]
Thank you. And now, ladies and gentlemen,
we should compose ourselves for the arrival of Her Majesty...
and return to the site of our great nation's...
magnificently restored Crown Jewels.
[ All Gasping ]
I know. I feel it too.
The very symbols ofour island nation,
so close we could almost reach out and--
- �ӡ� [ Trumpet Fanfare ] - Pray silence for Her Majesty the Queen.
[ Queen ] Oh, where are thejewels?
[ Pegasus ] It's an unmitigated disaster, English.
I could n't agree more, sir.
Well, we need to get these jewels back, English, and fast.
Tell me about this assailant. When they searched the room, there was no sign ofhim.
Well, the man was clearly a professional.
He must have escaped while the queen was being sedated.
But he's the only lead we've got. We have to find him.
Come in. This is-- This is Roger from Data Support.
Please sit down. He'll produce a likeness based on your description.
So tell us, what did this man look like?
Um... well...
he was... big.
- Hair colour? - Um... orange.
- Orange? - Mmm. And curly.
Well, friZZy, actually. FriZZy sort of thing.
- Frizzy. - An eyepatch.
Broken nose. Very few teeth.
Two, I would say, at the most.
And a scar on his cheek...
in the shape... of a banana.
- Which cheek? - Both cheeks.
They sort of met in the middle.
Are you sure about this, English?
[ Gasps ] Oh, yes, that's him. An uncanny resemblance.
Why, it's just as if he's in the room with us.
[ Horn Honking, Tyres Screeching]
Wow! Look at this, sir. Got all the bells and whistles.
Never mind about the gad gets. Just focus on the case.
[ Horn Honks ]
[ Engine Revs ]
Oh, uh--
Good morning, gentlemen. Thank you very much for waiting.
Now, the question that faces us this morning is a simple one.
Namely, how did the thieves gain access to this highly secure environment...
and then escape with thejewels afterwards?
A simple question, but one which I believe has a complex answer.
- Actually, sir-- - Uh, please, Bough. My mind is at work.
Now, what you must grasp, gentlemen, is that the master criminal...
sees not a room but a series ofopportunities.
Should I go in through the window?
Possibly.
- Should I drop down from the ceiling? - Actually, sir--
There's one thing I think we can be fairly confident about,
that is that they didn't come up through the floor--
I've got you, sir.
That's all right. Just come my way, Bough.
- That'll bring me right over the hole, sir. - There's no need to panic.
Can you see the bottom yet, Bough?
Notyet, sir. The shaft appears to be narrowing.
I'm just a little bit worried I might get stuck.
T rust me, Bough. You won't get stuck if you just keep moving.
Yes, sir. [ Bough Grunting ]
I'm okay, sir.
Are you at the bottom now, Bough?
No, I am in fact stuck now, sir.
Oh, for God's sake, Bough. Stay there! I'm coming down.
Uh, I'm not especially sure that's a good idea, sir.
Don't worry.
Be careful, sir!
Gently does it.
- [ Screaming ] - Sir?
- Are you all right, sir? - Yes. I landed on something quite soft.
- That was me, sir. - Oh, good.
What now?
There's no way back up there, that's for sure.
But this must lead somewhere.
I'm slightly uncomfortable in the dark, sir.
There's nothing to worry about, Bough.
- It may be pitch black, but we can still see. - Can we, sir? How?
The Bedouin monks of the Al Maghreb mountains...
developed a system of sonic chanting.
- I see, sir. - The sound of their chanting...
would bounce back off any obstacles,
and using their highly tuned ears...
they could paint a mental picture of the path ahead.
- Brilliant, sir. - However, you must always sing in E-flat.
�ӡ� [ Humming ]
�� E-flat, E-flat, E-flat ��
�� Thankyou for the music The songs I'm singing ��
- Is it working, sir? - Extremely well, thankyou, Bough.
��Thanks for all the joy that-- �ӡ�
- [Thud] - Ow!
You all right, sir? I think I can see something, sir.
Oh,yeah. Come on.
[ Quiet Chattering]
[Man ] Here is the long one.
[ Man #2 ] It is a long one.
Careful.
- I knew it. - Shall we call for backup, sir?
What? And watch some fat-bottomed bobby make our arrest for us?
I don't think so.
Good morning, gentlemen. MI7 at your service.
Observe, Bough, the dull incompetence ofthe criminal mind.
It can never hope to match our level of technical expertise.
- [ Tyres Screeching ] - [ Coughing ]
- You've got it. - [ Bough ] What do we do now, sir?
Watch and learn, Bough.
- They're too far ahead of us. - Have faith, Bough. They're heading south.
[ Nuns Screaming ]
- There they are, sir! - Just as I thought.
- Hang on tight, Bough. - [ Bough Groaning ]
- [ Horns Honking ] - We're never gonna catch them in this.
- Take the wheel, Bough. I'm getting in the Aston. - Sir?
[Truck Horn Honking]
Change places, Bough. I'm getting out the other side.
Sir?
Set, Bough. Take me up.
Swing me out, Bough!
- Whoa. - Down.
- [ Horn Honking ] - Up! Up!
Sorry!
Bough, pull out!
Ow! Ow!
Those idiots are right behind us. Faster!
[ Horns Honking ]
Uh-huh.
[ Beeping]
[ Horn Honking]
Drop me here, Bough!
Ow! Oh.
No! No! No!
[ Bough ] Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[ Engine Starts, Revs ]
[ English ] They're turning into the Brompton Cemetery.
Get here as soon as you can. I'm going in.
In a wheelchair. But Geoffrey overcame these terrible disabilities...
with that simple resilience and sunny optimism...
that so warmed all of us who knew him,
spending the rest ofhis life in the service...
of the poor and disabled of this parish.
It's very good. Really very good.
No, no, please go on. I'm sorry to interrupt.
- It's very entertaining. - Who's that?
That priest act ofyours should keep the other prisoners entertained for hours.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Where are my manners? Johnny English,
British Secret Service, and you are all under arrest.
I must say you've done this whole thing very well.
The attention to detail is excellent.
You, the grieving granny, you're very convincing.
Oh, look. Real tears. Do you get paid extra for that?
Ahh, what we're all here for.
I know! Why don't we take a look inside?
- [ Mourners Gasp ] - Oh, you've nailed it down!
Why wouldyou do that?
I know you're gonna come back in two weeks and dig it up again.
�ӡ� [ Hums ]
Now, what are you playing in this little vignette of deceit and villainy?
I'm the hearse driver.
- You're the hearse driver? - Yes, sir.
Ah!Aha!
There you are... Gunther.
Uh, I do hope he hasn't made a nuisance ofhimself.
I'm Doctor, um...
Bough, of the Lunatic Response Unit.
I'm afraid Gunther here wasn't supposed to be released until 2028.
Isn't that right, Gunther?
Yes,yes, there's been the most monumental cock-up.
Um, ifyou'll excuse me, with the deepest respect,
utmost sympathy.
Uh, he hasn't urinated on anyone, has he?
- No. - No, no.
That's a blessing. Are you gonna give me the gun, Gunther?
There. That wasn't too difficult, was it?
- Are you going to come home now? - [ Speaking Gibberish ]
[Speaking Gibberish ]
Oh... in the van! Yes, we are going in the van.
Yes, yes. Vroom, vroom.
- Vroom, vroom. Vroom, vroom. - Yes. Yeah.
- [ Gibberish ] - Yes. He's waving good-bye. Good-bye, everyone.
- Good-bye. - Good-bye, Gunther.
Mind the nice dead people. There we go.
[ Squeaks ]
Oh, we'lljust go to the path here. There. Big step.
It's a graveyard. It's where they bring people--
Yes, all right. You can stop now.
- For appearances, I'll just hold your arm. - Just keep walking.
In fact, run, run, run!
I can't believe I've done this.
I mean, I really cannot believe I've done this!
You see, 200 years ago,
my family should have inherited the throne of England,
but they were cast aside.
Well, in a few very short days,
it will be back where it belongs.
With me.
Shall I try it on? Yes? No? Maybe?
To make you king, we need the archbishop of Canterbury to do that.
The archbishop of Canterbury...
is being taken care of even as we speak. TARGET ACQUIRED
TARGET LOCKED
There's only one thing, sir. What are we going to do about English?
If I were you, I wouldn't worry too much about English.
He is no threat to us. I had his flat bugged.
[ Karate Yells ]
- [ Yells ] - [ Duck Squeaks ]
Clearly, the aptly named English is a fool.
He might be a fool, but he's a fool who keeps showing up.
Well, the next time he shows up,
eliminate him.
Thankyou.
Dieter Klein and Klaus Vendetta, sir.
Released from prison six months ago. 327 convictions between them.
Armed robbery, grievous bodily harm...
and combined parking fines of more than 400--
Uh, yes, all right. Thankyou, Bough. I think we get the picture.
The point is, sir, that Vendetta and Klein...
are both in the employ of Monsieur Sauvage.
- Pascal Sauvage? - Precisely, sir.
But you're not suggesting Sauvage is involved?
I think he's more than just involved, sir.
I'm convinced he's up to his French neck in it.
Don't be absurd. Sauvage employs thousands of people.
Just because two of them are villains doesn't mean that he is.
I want him discounted from this investigation immediately.
Yes, sir.
All right. Tonight I shall be at Sauvage's reception forthe new French ambassador.
Any developments, you can reach me there.
Apart from that, I don't want you within a hundred miles of the man.
Absolutely, sir.
Requisition order.. MI7 quartermasters for immediate supply.,
one military transport plane, fully fueled, with permission for nighttime city over flight;
two night camouflage parachutes, plus reserves, plus neoprene bodysuits, twice, in black.
I've never liked the navy blue.
And a 40-inch chest for me 'cause I need the sleeve length.
- Morning, Felch. - Morning.
Oh, and two Special Forces signet rings,
primed and colour-coded.
- What's all this for? - For tonight's operation.
We're going to break into Sauvage's headquarters.
- But Pegasus said-- - Let me worry about Pegasus.
I know that Sauvage is behind all this, and tonight we're going to get the evidence.
- Is something wrong, sir? - Did that sound like Felch to you?
[ Whispers ] Bough--
[ Whispers ] You, upstairs.
[ Grunts, Groans ]
Ow.
Can you see him, Bough?
He's on the upper level, sir.
Got him.
And like a coiled viper... he strikes.
[Bough Groans]
So what you're saying, sir, is there must have been two of them?
Oh, at least, Bough. Possibly four.
I wonder why I didn't see them.
You mustn't dwell on your mistakes.
- You must learn from them, then move on. - Yes, sir.
- So where were you, sir? - Just drop it, Bough!
- Aah! What is it, sir? - That bike.
You get things sorted out for tonight.
Well, well, we meet again.
Mr English. What a pleasant surprise.
I wondered when you might show up again.
On the contrary, Miss Campbell. It is not I who keeps showing up. It's you.
Do you like sushi?
Hmm?
Oh, sushi! I practically live off the stuff.
You might say the mysteries of the Orient are no mystery to me.
- Sake? - Ah. Sake.
[ Speaking Japanese ] Cheers.
May all your daughters be born with three bottoms.
Now then, perhaps you can explain how it is...
that I run into you at two crime scenes...
and then can't find any record ofyou on a single government computer.
Shouldn't you ask the government that?
I am the government and I'm asking you.
Let me.
Mmm. You're brave.
They say that sea urchin's the ultimate acquired taste.
Hmm. It's a personal favourite of mine.
I think people are put off by how it feeds through its bottom.
Would you excuse me for a moment?
[ Gagging ]
[ Shouting In Japanese ]
Excuse me. Sorry. I'm from MI7. Sorry. I'm a secret agent.
- Everything set, Bough? - Just about, sir.
Actually, sir, do you mind if I run through the plan one more time?
- No, no. - These are the two buildings here.
This one is ourtarget, Sauvage's headquarters, next to City Hospital.
Ijump first and land on the south side ofthe roof,
abseil down 14 floors and cut through this window here.
[ English ] I then land on the east side and abseil down 1 2 floors.
Where you wait for my signal that I've disabled the alarm system.
- Y es. - You them break i nto this window here,
workyour way along the secure corridor and penetrate Sauvage's office.
- Yes, yes. - Is that okay, sir?
It's been okay ever since I thought up the idea, Bough.
Oh, I nearly forgot, sir. Your laser beacon.
- My what? - Your laser beacon!
It'll guide you onto Sauvage's building.
Your dependence on hardware really does amuse me, Bough.
I've been dropped into the Kalahari Desert...
carrying nothing more than a toothbrush and a packet of sherbet lemons,
and I still found my way to Bulawayo before Ramadan.
So thankyou, Bough, but no thankyou.
- [ BuZZer Sounds ] - Bough, go!
Geronimo!
- [ BuZZer Sounds ] - Fandango!
Ugh!Ai-yi-yi.
Right.
- [ Beeps ] - Alarm's disabled, sir.
Roger that, Bough.
[ Grunts, Groans ]
This is worse than I thought, Bough.
Sauvage has got some kind of laboratory set up here.
God knows what kind of sick operation he's running.